Hello my sweet readers and loved ones.
It has been ages since I have had the courage to write a post. Although I have been composing posts in my head for months, I suppose the fear of “opening the flood gates” have gotten the best of me.
So today is the day. Today is the day that I will share with you from the depth of my fear and once again open myself up to vulnerability.
It might be a long one… brace yourself.
So what happens when “A Mom Inspired” loses her inspiration?
How could I write when my inspiration feels deflated, and defeated? Yet in the midst of my defeat, there is hope. There has to be hope, and there is.
I have spent the last couple of years attempting to find my purpose and live my passion. My passion was living a lifestyle that I could be proud of. Eating nutritious food, nourishing my body and the bodies of my beloved family, studying the art of gardening, both at my son’s school and at home, and seeking to find true joy.
In many of these areas I have succeeded. I have been living in a way that is teaching my children to cherish their bodies. I have centered my life around learning about holistic nutrition and gardening and incorporated those things into our family life. I have aligned myself with cherished friends that feed my soul.
Those, my friends, are truly wonderful things. I am grateful everyday.
I have poured my heart and soul into my loves, and as the saying goes, ” sometimes love isn’t enough”…
My love of nutrition and passion for holistic treatments wasn’t enough to kick my husband’s Ulcerative Colitis into remission. Now onto the pharmaceuticals which we so adamantly sought to avoid.
My beautiful friend Janice’s passion for knowledge and search for the connection between ALS, nutrition, and environment wasn’t enough to keep her disease from claiming her life way too soon.
We are watching some of our friends that we love; our vibrant, healthy, young friends suffer through Cancer.
It constantly leaves me asking the question about what is happening in our world today that we are losing our young friends? We are suffering; and despite our efforts, we are not getting healthier.
It keeps me awake at night. Really.
Needless to say, I feel lost.
My inspiration hinged on the hope that all our efforts would lead to miracles. Naive? Yes. But sometimes isn’t that what fuels the fire?
I believed that our complete overhaul would lead my husband to recovery, without drugs. If there was one person that would beat ALS, it would have been Janice, and I held onto the hope that she would be the first. If we fight like hell, shouldn’t our friends survive Cancer? Maddox’s migraines? Still there.
So now what?
My first instinct. Brutal honesty?
I want to eat ice cream and chocolate. I want to drink coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I want to throw caution to the wind.
But I cannot and I will not.
Here is where the Hope comes in…
These things are an opportunity.
An opportunity for acceptance and an invitation to keep fighting.
That is what Janice would say to me now if she were here. This is my new inspiration.
This is my invitation to you all; to see loss, defeat and deflation as an opportunity to find new inspiration and to keep fighting.
Janice was was my friend who I absolutely loved and adored. She is the one who I spent countless hours “geeking out” as we liked to call it, about nutrition, new books we had read, what we were learning. We would eat beautiful food together. Talk about the garden. She was the person I would run things past to make sure I was making the “sound” decision. We would talk about our hopes and dreams for the future and the peace she was finding in her life everyday as her body continued to betray her.
She was beautiful. She was strong. She was genuine.
Hope lived in her, even in the face of ALS.
And now her hope and mine combined must live in me; and hopefully in you as well.
So through my defeat, I have found ways to triumph everyday. I wake up every morning to the pitter patter of the little (or not so little anymore!) feet of my sons and thank my lucky stars to have another day with them. Isn’t that what it is all about anyway?
I will love with reckless abandon for although it hurts like hell to lose those we love, there is no other feeling like that of true and genuine connection.
So my heart is out there once again. It feels good to write, to share with you all, and to once again feel inspired.
What are you inspired in this chapter of your life?